1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Just me and my debit card against the world
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.