Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
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“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
When you’re Kinky but poor
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.