Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
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If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.