interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
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Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”