My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
best review i’ve ever seen
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.