Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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are they though??
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.