In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.