Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth