Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
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Me too, bag. Me too….
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
real
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.