the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I’m a bad influence on myself.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.