After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron