Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
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Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me