Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”