It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
what could possibly go wrong?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Just me and my debit card against the world
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster