What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
early stone age tool
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[eulogy]
line?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.