My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
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[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
oh you wanna fight?!
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.