google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
You Might Also Like
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Challenge accepted.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.