ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
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[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying