My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
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if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.