One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
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good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
my nickname in college
oh my gosh!!
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My wife gives the best headache.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Good point.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐