My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
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Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
United Steaks of America
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.