my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.