I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
You Might Also Like
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
sugar glider wrangler
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Life’s too short to have your shit together.