If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.