I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
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Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.