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McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
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Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Sticker placement is key.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.