What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
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“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
early stone age tool
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause