Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
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Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
even bears disappoint their mothers
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.