cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
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That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
*Inspirational Tweets*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry