It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO