but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.