My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
You Might Also Like
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
How actors in movies eat their food
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool