asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Waiting for the Charmin
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me too
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.