I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the