Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me