The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
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Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were