I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.