I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
You Might Also Like
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
HOW DARE YOU
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
#catsoftwitter
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Love this one 😂🧟