*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
my sentiments exactly
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.