the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂