Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
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Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted