i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
You Might Also Like
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.