A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
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shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
#merica
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat