Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.