“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
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[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
never deleting this app.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?