Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.