Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
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Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Beware of the dog..
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney