If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.