Facebook marketplace is a different world
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girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.