I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
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*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
those birds must be on payroll
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
what could possibly go wrong?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help